I’m sure most of you have sat through a long-winded speech and the speaker ends it with, “Are there any questions?” and everybody in the audience is thinking, “No, no please don’t, please nobody, please don’t.”

And then there are times when you ask a question and really don’t want an answer. Such as, “How are you?” Hopefully, you don’t ask the person who spends the next 15 minutes telling you.

The guy down on one knee is wondering what her answer will be when he pops the question. Once when we were in Florida, a fellow at our resort came with roses and champagne to do exactly that. Things didn’t go well. We later found the roses in the trash and the girl was gone. All was not lost. The poor guy drank all of the champagne, and Mary and I took the roses to our room.

Then there is the big question during the wedding ceremony: “Do you … take this … etc.” She is probably wondering, “Will he answer or turn and run?”

Some reverse the question and answer to answer and question such as “Jeopardy!” Are you old enough to remember Johnny Carson’s comic routine “Carnac the Magnificent,” who knew the answer before the question? How about the Abbott and Costello classic question, “Who’s On First?” And Shakespeare keeps asking, “To be or not to be?” That, of course, is the question.

Now since everybody has an iPhone, all they have to do is ask a question to get an answer. I often wonder does the gal, whoever she is, answer with, “Why do you ask such a stupid question?”

Anyway, since I don’t have the latest in communications (I have a flip phone), I just thought some of you would ask the following for me.

How many different sizes of staples for how many different staplers are there? And why do I always have the wrong size? How do you open those plastic bags at the grocery store without wetting your fingers? How many times do you have to go to the hardware store when you fix something yourself? Where is the Scotch Tape when you need it? And where is the end of the tape and how do you get it started?

Why is the screw head a straight slot when I only have a Phillips head screwdriver? Why does a letter mailed to my next-door neighbor go to Indianapolis before it comes to our neighbor? When will they finally get Interstate 65 fixed? Why do I always get behind the person in the checkout line who searches for change and coupons? Why did I hit delete before I saved it?

Why do I always have my eyes closed when someone takes my picture? Where does my one sock go in the dryer? Why do I drop the soap in the shower when I have my eyes full of suds? Why did I forget the corkscrew while on a picnic with a bottle of wine? Should I run for president? Why does my car keep beeping at me?

And why is my column on the opinion page when I never have an opinion?

Don Hill is a resident of Seymour and a longtime volunteer for Southern Indiana Center for the Arts. Send comments to [email protected].