Alan Winslow
By Alan Winslow
Guest columnist
Used coloring books, scores and scores of them, dozens and dozens of stubby crayons, torn and worn crayon boxes, paper doll sets, broken scissors and a large assemblage of unflattering stick figure drawings of a tallish, toothy, smiling guy, each one carrying the title “#44.”
These items were among the illegally stored classified materials discovered by the FBI at President Joe Biden’s homes in Delaware. Thank God this vice presidential work product did not fall into the wrong hands.
Donald and Melania Trump will purchase the WWE and AEW wrestling companies in 2023. Mr. Trump, quite proud of at least one pig-wrestling triumph, will run for president in 2024 and actually threaten to shut down all wrestling tours and TV contracts unless he secures the Republican nomination and wins the 2024 contest.
As night follows day, the Democratic National Committee will issue a formal statement seeking to thwart Mr. Trump’s 2024 strategy: “Once again, Donald Trump proves to be a traitor to democracy as he brazenly enlists clandestine Russian organizations to steal the presidential election. Organizations like the WWE and AEW have a long history of anti-American subversive pro-Putin activity.”
America will no longer need to feel sorry for our charming, yet beleaguered, Vice President Kamala Harris. Coming to the rescue, Major League Baseball (!) in 2023 will honor our underrated vice president with a first-of-its-kind Most Valuable Vice President of the Year award. In addition, the MLB will issue collectible bubblegum card sets that picture our comely VP at different stages of her extraordinary political career.
Continuing to practice racism and white supremacy, the U.S. will maintain its welcome to the world. Upwards of 2½ million beloved, underprivileged and hopeful souls will be embraced in 2023. This will bring the total to 7 million guests greeted since President Biden assumed office, all of whom will unjustly suffer the racist effects of free food, free housing and free health care. Shame on this nation dominated by white supremacy.
The National Education Association, the nation’s largest teachers’ union and protector of children, will demand that all Bibles be removed from primary and secondary schools unless racist, transphobic and sexist language is eliminated.
In helpful response, several progressive religious organizations will edit offending portions of the Bible. Working committees will issue a Revised Acceptable VErsion (RAVE) which will contain only conjunctions, prepositions and the articles “a,” “an” and “the.” However, as 2023 is ending, the committees will have to reconvene due to NEA complaints over two remaining controversial prepositions, “above” and “below.”
Because the Supreme Court struck down the Roe v. Wade abortion decision in 2022, Planned Parenthood will institute an ad campaign in 2023 to restore national esteem for this benign health and baby-body-parts-procurement procedure.
After a stunning year of stratospheric ballooning mastery, China will agree, at no charge, to replace the Goodyear blimp and provide balloon flyover services at major and minor athletic events in 2024, but only under the condition that the Second Amendment be repealed by the end of 2023.
Meteorologists will declare 2023 hotter than 2022 by .01 degrees centigrade. Accordingly, President Biden will reauthorize use of the phrase “global warming” to replace the use of “global warming’s” replacement, “climate change,” which had been a necessary replacement of the term “global warming” when temperatures were not cooperating by rising at all. Please stay tuned for future phrase re-replacements as Mother Nature continues her obstreperous ways.
In line with catastrophic global warming concerns, schools in progressive localities will be praised for recent education advancements in conveying global warming’s anticipated calamitous impacts. The teaching outcomes will show amazing success as students exhibit increased symptoms of insomnia, weight loss, anxiety attacks, night terrors and performance declines. The U.S. Department of Education, gratified by these results, will institute this programming nationwide.
Under Biden administration guidance, the military will strengthen its forward vision regarding transgenderism (at-will gender change) and gender-fluidity (spontaneous gender fluctuations) for all service members. Senior leadership at the Pentagon will mandate increased gender sensitivity trainings to protect the self-esteem of gender-confused soldiers, sailors and marines.
Exemplifying this new therapeutic military culture, the Marine Corps motto “Semper fidelis,” * will be modernized to “Semper Delicatus,” ** aiming to reflect the greater lethality of a diverse gender-sensitive corps. (Ooh-rah!)
Meanwhile, the Defense Department will express puzzlement as recruitment in all service branches declines for the second straight year. While 2022 recruiting goals were 25% off, 2023 will manifest a 35% to 40% shortfall. Overheard around the Pentagon: “Where are all our red-blooded cis-gender, trans-gender, gender-fluid, gender-questioning, lesbian, gay, two-spirit, asexual, intersex and bisexual pro-American patriots?”
Item: Four-Star Army General Mark Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, will propose marriage to Four-Star U.S. Public Health Service Admiral Rachel (born Richard) Levine, assistant secretary for health. It is hoped this high-profile union will attest to the normality of cis-gender/trans-gender relationships and help establish a cultural commitment to LGGBTQQIAAPK patterns of sexuality and gender. Happily, the effervescent couple has already been seen snuggling in and around Washington corridors of power.
Good news for American city dwellers: New research will emerge in 2023 proving that crime and disorder actually strengthen urban communities. This groundbreaking research will be funded by the Chinese Communist Party, the Black Lives Matter organization and top Ivy League law schools. The study will conclusively prove that crime is a form of productive labor that inspires the marginalized and oppressed to better their lives. Progressive leadership in crime-ridden cities will claim vindication for their criminal-sensitive policies.
Stunning the wizards of Wall Street, financial reports for 2023 will reveal long-distance moving companies in urban communities having their most profitable year ever.
And finally, in the world of college hoops … Hoosier women claim their first NCAA championship title.
*“Always faithful”
**“Always nice”
Alan Winslow, a resident of Seymour, occasionally writes a column for The Tribune. Send comments to [email protected].