Probably most of us would say, “I need to lose weight.”

If you do, it’s not your fault. No, don’t blame yourself. It’s because you are an American. That’s right. You are overweight because you live in America. Let me explain.

Americans have the best food in the world. And we have plenty of it. And it is available. It’s like we can enjoy all other countries’ food. If you want Italian, we have it. Chinese, sure. Mexican, of course. German, ya. And of course, American. You name it and it’s just around the corner.

And we Americans love to eat. Is it we eat to live or live to eat? Our taste buds are aching to be used, especially the sweet ones. Three meals a day … pooy. A good time to eat is when we see food. It’s built in. So, you see, it’s not your fault that you are overweight.

Whoever came up with pecan pie, strawberry shortcake, lemon meringue pie, upside down cake, ice cream and chocolate … It is their fault.

It’s not only food but what we drink. Water, sometimes, but there is wine, beer, sodas of all kinds. If you are going to drink, why not something that tastes good? Diet drinks…blah … give me the straight stuff. The shelves are full of it. Why not a 24 case? It’s not your fault.

Now, if a lady looks at her closet and declares, “I have nothing that fits. I’m going on a diet,” the meaning of that differs depending on whether she is on her own or married.

Her mate is thinking, “Oh no! She’s going to starve both of us. I don’t need to lose weight. I’m just fine the way I am. (He can’t see his feet). I think I’ll have another beer.”

And there are things in your house that are lurking to mess up your diet. The refrigerator, for example. Shelves full of food. And that little light that comes on when you open the door at midnight. It’s like the sign on a cruise ship, “Buffet open all night!” How can one sleep? It’s not your fault.

Now, there are plenty of people out there who are glad to hear the word diet. They are generally the ones who don’t need to do it. They have plans of all kinds. Many work if one sticks to them. There are inventors who have designed all types of equipment to do the job. These machines are great until they are used to hang clothes on to dry.

Some take to the sidewalks and jog about town. Some even take their dog that is also too plump. Fresh air is great for a diet-driven person … until it snows. It’s good that you tried, but it’s not your fault there is ice cream at home in your freezer. What’s that? Hot fudge.

You need to change your thought process. Consider the great old masters and their subjects. They painted beautiful women. Look again … yes, they are full-bodied, but they are beautiful. Even Mona Lisa looks like she has just finished a whole pizza. Think too of the ladies on the Titanic who passed up dessert. And the lady looking into her closet, she doesn’t need to diet. She just needs a new wardrobe a size larger.

If your husband notices at all, he might ask, “Are you losing weight?” You can answer, “Just for you, hon, just for you.”

Don Hill is a resident of Seymour and has served as a volunteer at Southern Indiana Center for the Arts for more than a quarter of a century. Send comments to [email protected].