Middle management


By Les Linz

Gerry Rafferty sang about being there (along with jokers and clowns), Jesus said he would “throw up” those that called it home (Rev. 3:16) and comedian/former presidential candidate Pat Paulsen said of himself, “I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.”

Beginnings are exciting — the birth of a baby, first day of a new job, last day of a bad one. Endings are fun, too — a time of reflection, expectancy of a new season, eternity.

By and large, however, middle is not appealing, though it may on occasion have its moments. Let’s see why that is.

Middle linebacker — his job is to stop “the runs” — might as well call him loperamide — his status with the team may “change” if an opponent gets his “quarter” back.

Middle of the road (as opposed to the side) — can’t even stop there in an emergency (unless of course you’re an airplane and flying over the Eisenhower Expressway System).

A mind is a terrible thing to waste, but I say a waist is a terrible thing to mind — your mind’s on top — your waist is in the middle.

Middle name (used when parents want you to know you’re in trouble), contraindicated with first names, reserved for endearment, shortened for even greater affection, and last names that carry dignity, history and respect.

Caught in the middle of doing something (If you get caught at the beginning, no one knows what you’re up to — if at the end, you’ve had an opportunity to change it).

Knock someone into the middle of next week — not fair to Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday or Saturday. Why should Wednesday get all of the glory?

Middle-aged spread — unfortunately not Cheez Whiz or butter or even the difference in points between the teams you’re betting either for or against. The recent COVID quarantines have given many of us younger than middle age a special view of coming attractions.

Monkey in the middle — a really stupid game. One person tosses an object to another 25 feet in the air over the head of the one positioned between them both. Seemingly the idea is to taunt the middle-ite because, after all, he wasn’t able to snatch the object mid-flight.

Play both sides against the middle — See also middle, monkey in the

Split down the middle (what Solomon offered to do) — not a happy moment for the biological mom until all was said and done — I Kings 3:16-28.

In the middle of nowhere — technically, that would be the letter H.

Middle America — it’s “central” to our country, but it’s not Central America.

Middle class — your fourth of the day if you have seven.

Middle earth — where dragons hang out. Don’t go there. They’re annoying.

Middle school — juxtaposed between lower school and its upper counterpart. It’s a difficult place to be, where voices begin to crack, acne starts its dermatological assault and boys find sports to be even more enticing than the opposite sex.

Middle ground — where Congress seldom goes to the detriment of those that wish they would.

Smack dab in the middle — Where on the head a small portion of Brylcreem should be applied.

Middlesex — It’s a town, nothing more.

Don’t change horses in the middle of the race (oh that we could, it would make winning so much easier).

In the middle of things — where Coca-Cola is found (for those of us age 5 or older back in 1963).

Middle column — Samson brought the house down with two of them, which wasn’t too great for those watching the show (Judges 16:25-30).

Middleweight — 152 to 165 lbs. Also, what middle-aged spread feels like hanging off of you.

Middle child — The one profoundly affected by the equidistant relationship with other siblings, whereas the younger is “baby” and the older is “strong-willed,” often resulting in personality confusion and thankfully, ambidextrousness.

Middle finger — often used to salute one’s fellow driver but seldom in recognition of their service to others.

Middle age — a mathematical calculation, determined by taking age at birth, adding your age at death and averaging the two. Note: Should only be accomplished by surviving loved ones. Those attempting the arithmetic while living will undoubtedly become the next Darwin Award recipients.

Malcolm in the Middle — a television show that purports the genius son of the family will use his smarts to help mature his dysfunctional family. We wish him well.

To conclude, may I encourage you in one final middle? It is alleged the Bible’s precise “center” is Psalm 118:8 (It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man).

Go there. Be on top.

Les Linz of Seymour writes the “Humor: More or Les” column. For information about Linz, visit his amazon.com author page. Send comments to [email protected].

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