By Les Linz

Proverbs 11:1 states, “A false balance is abomination to the Lord, but a just weight is his delight.”

Freshperson Congressperson Nancy Mace (to be politically correct, not Freshman Congresswoman) of South Carolina’s 1st District resembles this remark (the latter part of it, not the former). I want to be like her when I grow up.

To quote the Honorable Ms. Mace, “Words have consequences,” stated by her when addressing her colleagues, both Republican and Democrat, discussing who had a part to play in the Capitol mayhem of Jan. 6, 2021.

And words are made up of both vowels and consonants.

A, e, i, o, u and y at the end of a word are vowels, an integral part of what we say and read, but consonants, their partners in crime, are more prevalent, outnumbering them at a nearly 4:1 ratio. Working together, they can incite or calm, relying chiefly on the breath of the one breathing them out.

These days, much attention is given (and rightly so) to the so-called “cancel culture,” a movement that among other things strives to stifle free speech, but let us not be too quick to condemn, some of what its proponents “say” has merit.

And Jakob Londahl would agree.

Londahl is an associate professor of aerosol technology at Sweden’s Lund University. You might think “aerosol technology” is the science of determining which deodorant is most effective. If you thought that, you would be wrong.

Aerosols are “small airborne particles, some larger than others, and the larger ones only move a small distance from the mouth. The enunciation of consonants releases very large droplets, and the letters B and P stand out as the biggest aerosol spreaders,” so says Malin Alsved, a doctoral student (Note: If you want to learn more about the work these men have done, their findings are published in the Aerosol Science and Technology Journal).

It is ironic that in order to help prevent the rampant spread of COVID-19, health institutes and germophobes alike instruct us to thoroughly wash our hands with soap and water to the cadence of “Happy Birthday” sung through twice.

In other words, we should sing out B’s and P’s to negate the positive effects of our cleansing ritual, especially dangerous if you are singing the tune of fame to someone named “Bubba” or your favorite “Pappaw.”

So what is a society to do?

Cancel culture? Meet B and P.

We will look at five major areas (some more major than others) and see how canceling anything B- or P-related will affect us — some for good, some not so. We will start with things affecting children, move on to food, continue with the stuff of life, the spiritual and finally, the political. Please keep in mind as you read that an understood “No” appears before all of the words.

Children

Babies — we won’t have them.

Berenstain Bears — out.

Paul Bunyan — a definite no-no.

Food

Apples — the doctor will no longer be kept away

Bananas — we won’t have any more peels to slip on, and slapstick comedy as we know it will all but disappear

Blueberries — a better antioxidant will need to be found

Bratwurst — Oktoberfest will fade, but no more than it already has thanks to COVID

Broccoli — we will have to search harder to find a cruciferous vegetable that looks like the Amazon rain forest

Peanut butter — thankfully, jelly is still OK, though it will have to stand on its own merits

Pears — we will have to work harder to find fruit that is predominantly green, yet has gastric appeal

Persimmon — The town of Mitchell, Indiana, will no longer be invaded by large hordes of people in the fall

Pita — the memory of actress Bette Davis will effectively vanish

Popcorn — Indiana will now require a different official snack, rumor has it that Polar Pop will fill the void

Pudding — this has actually disappeared already since actor Bill Cosby went to a Pennsylvania state prison

Life

B and P gas stations — will become a thing of the past, though Circle K will rejoice, and people will still have gas

Beauty shops — riots will likely ensue and the House Speaker will no longer become entrapped

Blue Bloods — future generations will lack the fundamental understanding of what a family dinner is, and CBS will have to seek out another television blockbuster

Breakfast — we will have to find a different meal of the day to skip

Brothers — and all of the sisters said “Amen”

Buffets — they will disappear, though that has already happened, thanks to COVID

Parents — teens will shout for joy, though not sure how they got to where they’re at to begin with

Paris — the fashion world will weep openly

Pay — we will no longer have what we enjoy the most

Pennies — already in progress

Pennsylvania — Joe Biden will have lost his home state

Perspiration — we will no longer have to worry about ever letting them see you sweat

Peta — just estimated times of arrival for what would have been their next meeting

Philadelphia — no brotherly love; already there

Pittsburgh — no steel, or the ones that take it

Population — would be loved by the Zero Population Growth people, except they wouldn’t be around to enjoy its absence

Power — it’s not about us anymore

Pride — humility will abound, and we will just have to go along for the ride

Priorities — a sloth’s dream

Progress — we will stagnate as a society

Promiscuity — human sexuality will disappear

Proposals — people won’t have to get married; not good for us, for as Proverbs 18:22 states, he that finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord

Propositions — Californians will love it

Spiritual

Bible — atheists rejoice, believers mourn

Blessings — they will be missed

Parables/Proverbs — we will no longer have to be held accountable for our thoughts or actions or lack thereof

Pastors/Priests/Preachers — guidance midst difficult times will vanish

Peter/Paul — much of the New Testament is no more

Praise — grumbling only

Prayer — no results

Prophecies — eventually occurs, per I Corinthians 13:8

Purpose — meaninglessness abounds

Political

Biden — China grieves

Pelosi — speech copies remain intact

President — just becomes a resident

Much like in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life,” reading this may have brought reflection, and perhaps you found it disheartening at times.

Cheer up: There’s at least one positive from canceling P’s and B’s that has yet to be broached: We will no longer have to worry about P(assing) a B(ill) before finding out what’s in it.

Les Linz of Seymour writes the “Humor: More or Les” column. For information about Linz, visit his amazon.com author page. Send comments to [email protected].