By Les Linz
Standup comedian Norm Crosby recently passed away at the age of 93.
Though he hosted a variety of programs over the decades and served as commercial spokesperson for Anheuser-Busch Natural Light beer, he was probably best known (and rightly so) as “The Master of Malaprop.”
Malaprop finds its origins back in the 18th century via Richard Brinsley Sheridan’s 1775 play “The Rivals.” The production included a character by the name of Ms. Malaprop.
The term’s etymology comes from the French, meaning “ill-suited,” what most would consider to be “inappropriate,” a correct form of incorrectness, if you will, at least when applied in innocence.
And whereas the play’s character was said to have spoken forth some 30 or so “malapropisms,” they were predominantly speaking of the times in which the playwright lived and thus not too easy for today’s audiences to understand.
By his own admission, Crosby was well-known for continually “misconscrewing things” (as opposed to misconstruing them), the former being clearly comparable to the latter.
In a similar way, fictional “All in the Family” bigot Archie Bunker (played by Carroll O’Connor) was said to have described the “Off-the-docks-Jews” (as opposed to the Orthodox Jews) and “Women’s Lubrication Movement” (as opposed to the Women’s Liberation Movement).
When living in Illinois, we had a family friend who was phenomenal at speaking forth malapropisms, though as far as we know, she didn’t have a clue as to what one was. She would have made fast friends with Donald Davidson.
Davidson was a philosopher intimating that rather than judging people for not conforming to our idea of word choice, we should take into account how what they say is likely affected by how they interpret the word, based on the situation that they are in.
So then, without further ado, let’s look at some 33 or so malapropisms that reflect on the way we look at things in this day and age. We will break them down into five major categories: Cultural, political, health, Scriptural, and miscellaneous.
Cultural
Flamingo dancing: done on one leg, often on New Year’s Eve, or when miserably failing a field sobriety test, often administered on that same day of fame
Merital bliss: The feelings of euphoria associated with getting a raise or otherwise well-deserved attention
Marital briss: When a Jewish couple’s marriage is annulled on the eighth day (also known as the “cutoff date”)
Alarmcock: A rooster that wakes you up in the morning. Jesus used one to help Peter to “wake up” to his own shortcomings.
Villifry: One method of ending the life of an inmate “currently” living on Death Row Bureau of Alcohol.
Tabasco and Firearms: Agency that thwarts the illegal trafficking of alcohol, munitions and hot sauce-infused pepper spray from Louisiana and points south
Procrastiate: Don’t do this morning what you can do later on in the day
Procrastinote: Put off writing wedding gift thank-you notes until the presents themselves have outlived their usefulness
Interiority complex: The struggle an interior designer faces when mulling over how or how not to decorate a room or building. Also, a collection of buildings together in one place resulting from that struggle.
Infeariate: Become increasingly angry due to one’s own accurate or perceived feeling of inferiority to others
Facelook: A software platform that enables you to look up old friends and acquaintances and see how much worse than you they look, making you feel better in the process
Crap duster: One that applies liberal amounts of fertilizer onto a lawn’s surface with the expectation of exacerbating growth
Conscientious observer: A young man resolved to get out of the draft by telling the judge that he (the young man) is one of these
Pandamics: Those annoyed with all of the pandemic talk
Beteran: Any member of any branch of the military that has either served or presently serves to help make America great
Political
Electrocution: The killing of a country by implementation of voter fraud
Electrical College: An exciting process that brings “energy” into the voting arena. Note: “Electricians” that change their votes may face “charges.”
Electician: One that gets into public office by vote, fairly or otherwise
Phillybuster: A new combo meal for those on the go, made up of the traditional Philly cheesesteak ingredients and topped with a Dairy Queen Dilly Bar
Filibester: One that talks longer than another to get his or her agenda accomplished
Amerikan: An American citizen with inclinations toward Socialism or Marxism
Obamanation: How some think God has looked at our country in eight of the last 12 years
Stimu-lass: A female politician with stimulus on the brain with a fondness for Alex Haley bestsellers
Health
Stemulus package: A box of Enzyte
Leave of abscess: The gratitude one has after an infected tooth is gone
Rectifried: Relief from the burning caused by hemorrhoids
Rupture: It’s “outta here”
Scriptural
Romans 8:1: There is therefore now no compensation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit (To wit, Matthew 10:8-Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: Freely ye have received, freely give. Also, Luke 9:3- And he said unto them, take nothing for your journey, neither staves, nor scrip, neither bread, neither money; neither have two coats apiece).
John 3:16: For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have internal life.
Cravin’: As in, thou shalt have no cravin’ image before me, another term used to describe gluttony
Enterment: When they put someone into the ground who has already gone on elsewhere
Miscellaneous
Reclimber: Another term for easy chair, for which its subject is considered to be an “incumbent”
Missileaneous: Random talk about rockets, space programs and whose country’s is bigger than another’s
And one final word, Columnization: The attempt to bring readers of The Tribune together for a laugh or two, as “a merry heart doeth good like a cure” (Prov. 17:22).
Les Linz of Seymour writes the “Humor: More or Les” column. For information about Linz, visit his amazon.com author page. Send comments to [email protected].