Invention’s mom has a name: Necessity.
She has been “with child” many times over the last 3,000 years, and when Mother’s Day comes around, she really scores.
Nessie (as she’s called for short) is especially proud of her son, “COPS.” She became pregnant with him in March 1988 and gave birth one year later (necessities experience a one-year gestation period).
The conception came out of a writer’s strike by the Writer’s Guild of America, and as a result, those who successfully write a television episode now make about as much per script as some third-world countries do in an entire year.
Consequently, her “son” was born March 11, 1989, as “godfathers” John Langley and Malcolm Barbour beamed. “COPS” is now 32, and over the years, he has amassed some impressive statistics.
He has established relationships with more than 180 municipal law enforcement agencies, spanning 140 cities (including three foreign) — and three special agencies, aired over a total of five major networks (initially Fox, then truTV, G4, Spike and most recently, Paramount). He holds bragging rights to more than 1,000 episodes and is the only program in history to show more fights than “The Jerry Springer Show.”
Paramount chose to pull the plug on him with the beginning of his 33rd season of life (June 1, 2020), an outgrowth of the George Floyd death and resulting protests. A little more than three months later, “Coppie” experienced a resurrection of sorts, as production resumed to help him meet international contract commitments.
His lifeblood is the dedicated camera crews that spend two to three months at a time out in the field with their subjects. It is recommended the producers supply liberal doses of Dramamine and oxygen as the charges go about their work, and some viewers would do well to apply the same when viewing.
“COPS” fulfills an important mission: It empowers the powerless viewer by showing the bully always gets his or hers in the end and good triumphs over evil. It even gives us a laugh or two in the process.
Being a law enforcement officer cannot be easy by any stretch, much less nowadays. At the same time, being a parent has never been easy and continues to become increasingly difficult as time goes on.
Imagine how difficult it must be to simultaneously hold the position of cop and parent.
In a typical “COPS” episode, there are three vignettes. For brevity’s sake, we will focus on one here.
To set things up, Mrs. Cop is exasperated with their young homeschooled teen. While in the midst of talking to a co-worker, the officer gets a call from his distressed wife.
“That’s what I really like about being a parent. You never know what’s going to happen,” the husband tells his colleague when suddenly, the dispatcher interrupts him.
“Excuse me, sir,” she says. “You’ve got an urgent call from your wife.”
“Thank you. Put her through,” he directs.
“Hello, dear,” she begins.
“What’s wrong?” he queries.
“Brad was acting up, so I told him I didn’t care how old he was, he needed to take a nap. He gave me some lip, then went into his room and locked the door.”
“Sounds like he’s resisting a rest.”
“Exactly,” his wife added.
“Parent needs assistance. I need backup.”
“OK,” the officer responds. “I’ll be home shortly. Goodbye.”
Minutes later, Officer Friendly enters the home and cheerfully proclaims, “Hi, partner.”
“Hi,” she responds.
The two of them proceed to the son’s room.
Friendly looks to his wife and proclaims, “Let’s see what we’ve got going on here.”
Dad calls his son to the door sternly, and Junior exclaims, “What did I do? What did I do?”
“For one thing,” the patriarch began, “I understand you were disrespectful to your mother. You respect us, we’ll respect you. Have we treated you poorly in life?” dad asked.
“No, sir,” the son responded.
“Then act like it,” the father replied.
“Now you say you’re my son, but you’re not acting that way. Let me see some ID.”
Both wife and son look at dad quizzically.
“Sorry, force of habit.”
Friendly assessed the room.
“Is there anything I should know about here?” he asked.
Dad kicks his way through some piles on the floor and uncovers a Playboy magazine.
“That’s not mine,” exclaimed the boy.
“Well it’s certainly not your mother’s.”
The two of them look to the family leader.
“It’s not mine, either,” Dad responds to the unasked question.
Mom comments.
“This room is a mess. And just look at those trousers over there!” she exclaimed in disgust.
“Those aren’t my pants,” the son answered.
“Well,” replied the mother, “they’re too small to fit your dad.”
“I’m your son. You can’t treat me this way,” replied their offspring. “I’ve got rights.”
“Yes, you do,” retorted dad. “You have the right to remain silent. Please take advantage of it.”
Mom crinkles her nose.
“What’s that smell? Have you been keeping up with your hygiene?”
Their son bows his head in shame, implying a response to the negative.
“Hang tight,” dad instructs (Note: “Hang tight” and “Sit tight” are used interchangeably, presumably to mean for the accused not to become uptight. This begs a question: When the perps become “tight”, do they go into a catatonic state)?
“Honey, go to the bathroom and get me some deodorant. We’re going to have to do a pit maneuver.”
“Son,” Dad began, “we just want you to know that Mom and I love you very much, and our hope is that in reflecting upon this experience, you determine to turn your life around.”
“Thanks, mom. Thanks, dad. I’ll do better in the future.”
“We know you will, Junior. That’s what all the perps say.”
And so our “episode” ends as it began, commercial-free. Now that another Christmas observation has come and gone, you can’t help but wonder if Ole St. Nick will have good thoughts toward you in 2021.
The answer?
Yes — as long as he isn’t singing the “COPS” theme song about you come December.
Les Linz of Seymour writes the “Humor: More or Les” column. For information about Linz, visit his amazon.com author page. Send comments to [email protected].