Contrary to popular belief, service animals (and dogs in particular) have literally come alongside their furless cohorts for centuries, working diligently to secure the well-deserved title “Man’s Best Friend.”
That’s something you can sink your canine teeth into.
According to artwork discovered midst the Pompeii ruins, though not able to prevent a volcanic eruption, dogs showed usefulness in helping to lead the blind as early as the first century.
A millennium later, relief work found upon building architecture showed further canine assistance.
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Five hundred years after that, Italian sculptor Leone Leoni (love that name) did similar work, and French painter Paul Gauguin did a painting showing a blind girl being led by her dog through the rural countryside, and by the close of the 18th century, a French Parisian hospital for the blind began assisting their patients in the training of guide dogs for them.
During World War I, dogs would regularly lead medics to wounded troops and alert their masters to the approaching enemy, too Our dogs still do this. To this day, our property is vigorously protected from feral cats, rabies-infested squirrels and marauding toddlers.
As time trotted on, the Swiss began training German Shepherds in police work. Soon after, the animals were trained in snow rescue, and once World War II began, a host of further applications were discovered.
Decades later, not to be outdone by their four-legged counterparts, miniature horses galloped onto the scene and still do their work (I saw one on an airplane once).
And though I’ve never seen a (miniature) police horse, I have seen police dogs — our barking heroes that run and jump and bite and disarm the most troublesome elements of our society — but we need more than just dogs and horses, and thanks to the 1990 Americans with Disabilities Act, we get monkeys and more, yet even primates need backup. That is why I propose service gerbils.
Therapy gerbil: He should be taken to the nursing home, just make sure the resident exterminator is not on duty at the same time. If the patient is blind and nearing death, he may be comforted by petting it, presuming it to be his long lost nephew Nathan or niece Saundra.
Drug-sniffing gerbil: Once properly trained, this little guy will be immensely helpful to the boys of blue in their bid to take more captives in the war on drugs. If the officers come upon a white powder, the rodent will stick out his tongue to lick it. If it tests positive for cocaine, the creature will be sporting a gigantic grin and his beady little eyes will pop out like fresh twin, out-of-the-box Slinkies. If an officer suspects the substance is an opiate, he will bring a wheel down to the gerbil’s level. If he climbs in and goes to sleep, it was an opiate. If the element is meth, the critter immediately goes into a dance solo to the Kenny Loggins tune “I’m Alright,” as seen by his larger gopher cousin in the movie “Caddyshack.” If our friend needs backup for an especially challenging operation, he calls upon his rooster friend, who, upon finding the crook’s drug stash warns of discovery in a staccato, vomit-inducing shrill of “Ur ur ur ur ur.” To reward their efforts, the gerbil will get a fennel pellet, while the rooster enjoys a voluptuous pumpkin seed.
Seeing-eye gerbil: After furtively scouting the landscape for trouble with his beady little eyes, when danger is determined, he climbs up on top of the ankle and stays upon it until unceremoniously dismounting, alerting the owner that it is safe to proceed.
Service gerbil: He wears a little harness attached to his master’s long leash. If the owner is people-sensitive, he is trained in ventriloquism, so when the owner is nervous due to others in proximity, the furry guy will stop, look up and glare at the nearby person. The space-invader will be stunned by the icy gaze, and when on command the gerbil opens his mouth, the kinesic creep will flee in shock upon hearing, “Hey, buddy. What is your problem? Scram.”
Police gerbil: Graduates from the academy after being formally trained by the squirrel used in the Trident television commercial that explained why the fifth out of five dentists surveyed, who unlike his peers failed to recommend the brand to his patients that chew sugarless. After graduation, authorities are advised not to pin a badge to the officer’s chest, as this may cause an unwanted reaction.
Undercover gerbil: A graduate of the academy’s advanced course, the rodent goes about the city, disguised in a fur-colored facial covering, designed to look as though he’s being compliant with the coronavirus mask mandate.
Attack gerbil: He crawls up your pants leg and makes you wish you weren’t a man-resist further and you will not be one.
Hearing gerbil: Upon hearing sounds the gerbil knows his master cannot hear, he screeches a high C that Ella Fitzgerald would be jealous of and shatters the nearest glass, causing the owner to realize something needs greater attention. In cases where the gerbil is adept at the English language, the critter will scurry over to the nearest computer keyboard and type out a descriptive message for the owner.
Allergy detection gerbil: Already sensitive through training to what his master is allergic to, he vigorously shakes his head “No” in warning, all the while sneezing 10 times in rapid succession, giving the owner some ominous clues.
DISCLAIMER: No gerbil was harmed in the preparation of this column.
Les Linz of Seymour writes the “Humor: More or Les” column. For information about Linz, visit his amazon.com author page. Send comments to [email protected].