Predictive abilities will pay off for all


OK, it is time for me to get rich.

I’m ready for my piece of the fiscal pie. Law prevents me from being entirely selfish, so I will share my fortune with the Indiana State Teachers’ Retirement Fund, Pension Relief Fund and Build Indiana Fund. Why should they have all the fun(d)?

Yes, I’m going to play the Hoosier Lottery because I know I can win. Don’t judge me. You know you’ve said the same thing or something like it (“I just knew that was going to happen. I should play the lottery”).

Sorry, but if I tell you what the future winning numbers are and when they will be drawn, I’ll wind up with about a buck, so that’s out. What I will tell you — because I’m so nice — is what I will successfully predict.

Let me start with all of the scuttlebutt about the U.S. Postal Service and the forthcoming election.

Whoever shows initial evidence of winning the popular vote will be told he did not really win, that the so-called victory came at the hands of a corrupt or inept Postal Service. If he wins by the Electoral College, he will be told that he really did not win.

Whoever wins, we will be told by those dissatisfied with the win, that the Electoral College is wrong and antiquated, and even though past arguments have been made by the same groups to the contrary to attempt to advance their cause, they will argue again to support their current position (See, told you the lottery is mine).

The same anti-win people will claim that Louis De Joy, current U.S. postmaster general, is not human, but in fact, a puppet, whose strings are manipulated at will, either by the winning side or its losing counterpart, depending on the perspective.

Furthermore, at least in Indiana, we will be told that the results were necessarily skewed by U.S. District Judge James Patrick Hanlon, who refused to relax historical restrictions on who may or may not mail ballots in. If we do not immediately self-destruct as a nation, come November, we will be arguing the legitimacy of the election outcome daily — for the next four years — until we will take up the arguments anew in 2024. And the first winning number is …

The election discussion will focus on two major “influencing” factors: Coronavirus and civil unrest.

There will be ongoing heated Facebook dialog about how coronavirus was manufactured (either as a virus, in a Chinese laboratory, that may or may not have been exacerbated by a Texas university) or by sinister politicians of either party so as to manipulate voting (or not voting) accordingly.

The U.S. citizenry will continue to post their comments to that end, and Mark Zuckerberg will continue to say that the comments violate Facebook policy, and he will “incarcerate” those who cry out against the limitations on free speech. The said citizenry will go on hunger strikes until they are released from Facebook jail (which is a fancy way of saying they will go on a diet because they needed a good excuse to lose the average 15 pounds put on during the never-ending coronavirus quarantines anyway).

Opinions that differ from those of Facebook’s editorial staff will continue to be labeled as “hate speech” and will necessarily meet the demise that the platform’s rigid standards demand. “Fake news” will continue to be characterized as such when it violates Mark’s political bent. And the next two winning numbers are …

Out of the thousands of civil daily arrests made across America — arrests that come upon the heels of law enforcement protecting the lives and property of those who choose to obey the law and honor those set in authority over them — there will be at least one new case where police are required to act in self-defense and end the life of a troublesome perpetrator — at least one event, cell phone-filmed by a concerned citizen that media armchair quarterbacks will use, out of context, to help stir up public frenzy and by extension perpetuate more “if it bleeds, it leads” stories.

The resulting civil unrest and disobedience will be deemed yet another reason why people will have to mail in ballots, which may or may not be tainted, depending on who you talk to or what you read. We will hear increased rhetoric of whose lives matter more or less than others and how those whose views differ from that of another will be the reason that certain actions are or are not taken (see also Facebook hate speech).

We will continue to be told that the definition of riot is “a peaceful protest that has run amok” when in reality, we know it to be the hijack of a peaceful protest by those whose sole purpose is anarchy and mayhem.

And the Powerball is …

One. When we as a nation collectively decide as one to vote for the person we feel will lead us best, irrespective of what anyone tells us to the exclusion of our own vetting, we win and I get to buy my new Lamborghini.

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