I am six days away from my surgery. I feel like I’ve had too much time on my hands to really think about things, and I’ve thought a lot.

I was diagnosed March 5, and surgery isn’t until April 26. That is 53 days of thinking. Thinking that this cancer is growing and leaving my milk ducts. Thinking about the loss of both of my breasts. Thinking about the feelings I will no longer have in my breasts. Thinking about what it means for my husband and I to be intimate. Thinking about all of the tests they’ve run and what if there’s more cancer somewhere else.

Thinking that this cancer could come back. Thinking about when they open me up if it’s way worse than what they thought. Thinking about the time being put out for at least three and a half hours and my family waiting on the outcome. Thinking about what kind of pain I will have. Thinking about what if the cancer is in my lymph nodes.

Thinking about how I don’t want to die. Thinking about how I could have loved more and been better in the life I’ve lived. Thinking about the pain my family is going through. Thinking about am I doing the right thing. Thinking that maybe there’s a better way, like active surveillance.

Thinking about what these new boobs are going to look like. Thinking about everyone knowing when they look at me that I had cancer and now have fake boobs. Thinking about all of these pains in my body that I’m having and what they could be. Thinking about how my husband may look at me differently. Thinking about what I could have done different in my life not to be in this place. Thinking more about heaven and God.

Thinking, thinking, thinking.

It can become your worst enemy at times, but then I can’t and don’t stay in those places long or I would be a hot mess. I look to him, who knows all, and I remember that in John 4:18, “Perfect love cast out all fear.”

Recently, I had to get a chest X-ray, blood drawn and an EKG. I’m now done with all tests until the day of the surgery. I get really nervous before any tests, so I’m glad those are all behind me.

Four women have reached out to me and said because of me, they have gotten or have set up their mammograms.

It’s with a very sad heart that my sister’s daughter (my niece) was one of those women, and she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Hers was invasive, and she has to have chemo to shrink the tumor, and then they will try a lumpectomy. She waited five years since her last mammogram. I’m happy that I went public but sad that there may be more bad news for so many women getting their mammograms.

So now, I continue to wait and think. We are flying out to see my son, his wife and three grandbabies. I haven’t seen them in awhile, so I need to see them before my surgery. We will be celebrating Paislee’s seventh birthday and Easter with them. That will keep my mind busy and me happy.

When I get back, I’m having a going-away party. Yep, we are saying bye-bye to the tatas #byebyetatas. Maybe I will have a welcome party for the new ones.

As most of you know, I have a good sense of humor. That’s the one thing I’ve tried to keep during this journey, not always, but most of the time. Proverbs 31:25: “She laughs without fear of the future.”

No one sees the times when I break down and my hubby holds me and we cry together. If it was even possible, we have grown closer through this journey. I certainly don’t see how people get through these times without the Lord but also without the man they love. He has shown me love that I didn’t know possible.

I continue to pray for all women dealing with breast cancer. I don’t know what my future holds, but I do know this: I will continue to live my life doing the things the Lord calls me to do, loving people (all people) harder than I ever have and being kind at all times.

Please, when you pray for me, please pray for my friend, Beth, and my niece.

Prayer requests: That I am a candidate for nipple sparing and implants put in directly at the time of the surgery; that I continue to have that peace that passes all understanding; that my little light will continue to shine no matter the outcome; and that God would use this blog to not only help other women but for them to get their mammograms.

Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and give you hope and a future.”