Every article has been about the struggles of this process and how it changes a person.

This month is not any different, except I am going to write on a more real level.

Sure, I am doing this for all about the journey I am on and why I am striving to become a stronger person mentally and physically. But allow me for a little bit to lay a little groundwork, things only those really super-close to me know.

I have talked about the struggle of eating well, meal planning, exercise routines — how important your daily plans are to be your guide, how you need to put yourself first and step just beyond that comfort zone to truly learn, to achieve, to attain that victory.

Well, here is my outside my comfort zone.

This year, I have suffered loss, learned to live again, climbed a mountain I didn’t know I was climbing and faced my fears head-on. I will caution you to brace yourself for the sentences and words ahead, for they are the raw, real, uncut versions of 2018.

While I was trying to find myself — who I was and who I no longer wanted to be — I found myself at a huge fork in the road of life. I could stay on the path I was on knowing it wasn’t helping anyone or I could take a left turn. Sigh…I took that left turn, listened to the signs and followed the path.

I put all my faith and trust into God and asked him to guide me where I needed to be — that left, those signs, that trust. So while looking to better my health, I realized I needed to make some drastic personal and mental changes and face my biggest fears head-on.

All led me to re-evaluating my personal relationships and deciding whether to make changes or not. My heart told me to make the changes, and so I did. I chose health of mind and soul over unhappiness and weariness. I made the decision to move forward as a single mother with the knowledge that if I am not happy, it breeds an unhappy home. My family and I deserve that. That decision and the facts surrounding it are all very raw.

I am not a subject matter expert in anything, certainly not any path I am on. What I am, though, is someone who had learned that she is strong, she is determined and she is worth it in all aspects of those words.

When I started the trek up that mountain, the obstacles on the way have been at times unmovable. I have had to find a new trail around the boulders meant to break me and the avalanches meant to topple me.

I have held on through the roughest days — the I wonder how I will do this, the days of doubt. That doubt never leaves, I feel like. The days of triumphs, the days of small victories, the days of immense loss and sadness, the days the fears often seem to buckle me. Throughout all of these days, 38 weeks or 266 days, I never have stopped knowing I was worth it.

I am trying to learn to ease up off myself a little, though. With all of the hurdles, as I have spoken about over my articles, that 2018 has brought me, I have been failing at exercise miserably. I am not to proud to say I flat-out suck. I know better, but ruts are ruts for a reason. They are so easy to fall back into.

Last month, I talked about this dumb ankle injury and the sidelining, which I am learning happens to lots of people in various ways. So how do I quit it? How do I just say enough is enough? What do you do when you get to these unbreakable walls meant to break you? Well, what do you do? Tell me. I want to know.

Here is what I did. I opened my eyes back to those signs. I listened to where I was being led and not where I wanted to go. I listened to those signs again.

I had a chance random encounter with my dear pal, Kristy, and she said, “One day at a time, Heather. You have the drive. You just have to focus on it.”

I listened to my doc say, “Fine. No running on that shifty ankle for a bit, but listen back to your basics. You have this fight in you. I use you as a point of reference at times for folks struggling.”

I listened to a wise friend, Beth, say, “The strength for your next season will come from the pain of your past. Yes, your pain has a purpose.”

As matter of fact, while writing this very article, I took a social media break, and the first post I see is from Sarah, who posted about her own shortcomings on exercise and eating habits and how she lost her motivation.

They are all signs — signs I took to heart and will focus harder on. I might have been stumbling through the last few months. I might be classified as a failure to some. I might not be the definition of “athlete” to anyone. I might not be your version of a leader. But guess what? I don’t care, either. That’s right. Your opinion of me and what you think of me doesn’t matter.

Back to the whole “If I am not happy, it breeds an unhappy home,” how I feel when I look in the mirror, when I put on my shoes, when I open that door and start my day is all that matters. I finally love me, not for my size, my appearance or my struggles, but I love me for holding on, facing fears, standing up, reaching out, learning to live again, being a stronger mom, looking to the future, and I love me for living, just living life.

My motto for the last 266 days: Forgive yourself each night and start every morning with a plan to do better. Don’t carry around the burden or the pain. Let it go.

That finish line will still be there. This journey isn’t over because I never quit and I am still learning. Learning, my friend, is the whole process.

Heather Chase is a Seymour resident chronicling her weight-loss and fitness journey. She is writing a monthly column, published on the final Friday of each month, for one year with The Tribune. Send comments to [email protected].