Society has coronavirus on the brain, and it’s no wonder, with all the numbers being thrown at us.

Whether you believe COVID-19 is genuine from the get go, manufactured, or just media hype — you cannot escape the daily buzz. You would like to — we all would. It is time for Corona to take a holiday, and the pandemic needs to get a clue from the motion picture industry.

“Sin” took one in 1930. Four years later, “death” followed suit.

I recommend the virus take a year off. All those in favor, say, “Aye.” “Aye”. “Opposed to same?” Not a one.

Before the hiatus occurs; however, like every other facet of our lives that the bug touches, adjustments will need to be made. We won’t get a year off without consequences. If he is subjected to an annum of changes, it is incumbent upon us to suffer along with him.

To that end, here are a year’s worth of observances, beginning in January, 2021, along with the necessary behavioral changes to be applied, so that Corona does not make a premature comeback.

New Year’s Eve/Day (2020/2021) — Those gathered at Times Square in New York City will be dressed to the nines (complete with masks, of course). At 10 seconds before midnight they will watch the giant bottle of hand-sanitizer descend. Attendees will high five each other with gloved hands, irrespective of temperature, and blow kisses one to another through non-vented facial coverings. The entire event will be televised worldwide by CNN, and will be co-hosted by United States President Donald J. Trump and the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases ‘ Dr. Anthony S. Fauci. As a gesture of goodwill, Fauci will throw out the ceremonial first baby.

New Year’s Day — In honor of the observance, the 132nd annual Rose Bowl Parade will be held without in-person watchers. Those that utilize television to take in the pageantry will see grill masks over the front of the floats. Roses will appear as usual, but balloons will be limited to those depicting, The Lone Ranger, The Green Hornet, and Spiderman (NOTE: Rocky the Squirrel was invited, but she refused to wear her mask during non-flight so she was disqualified from participating).

Valentine’s Day — In the spirit of the celebration, masks will continue to be worn and intimacy will be encouraged; however, six-foot social distancing will be strictly enforced. Planned Parenthood will applaud the move as 100% effective in preventing pregnancy, while pro-life supporters weep openly (not unlike most partners). PLEASE NOTE: Contact tracers will be out in full force, complete with binoculars, to make sure guidelines are followed. Policy violators will be subject to a fine, a prison sentence and a 20 minute trip through The Tunnel of Love with Rosie O’Donnell. It is thought the combination of enforcement threat and resulting correction will result in 100% compliance.

St. Patrick’s Day — Participants will drink heavily — no change. Parade participants will carry around posters of Jim Carrey and his 1994 film and will dye all masks green (if unsuccessful at first, they will be encouraged to dye, dye again). River dancers will perform with close-toed shoes on so as not to promote the possibility of virus spread — either Corona or athlete’s foot.

April Fool’s Day — People will pay homage to the day by telling one another how mask-wearing in the home is now required, but only between 2 and 4 p.m. Central Standard Time on alternating Thursdays, and that all children under the age of 47 will be required to wear them. They will explain to unsuspecting friends and co-workers of their need to acquire herd immunity by going out into the nearest cow pasture and placing an unmasked kiss on the lips of the largest and homeliest-looking heifer they can find. The saddest part of the day will be when people that tell the most self-contradicting coronavirus statements will be found to be accurate in their contradictions.

Easter — More congregants than ever will attend sunrise service because their masks will serve as eye shades. Upon realizing what their Lord has done for them, they will partake in a rousing chorus of, “Corona Him with many Coronas”. The mere mention of the term will inspire some to become Hispanic in their culture, and formally petition the Church to make the holiday an annual May 5 observance.

Memorial Day — As always, we will remember those that have fallen midst military conflict with the honor due them. Those attending grave sites will be required to wear a mask, unless they want to take theirs off and donate it to the local troops to use for target practice. Said mask will then be returned to the donor with a slight alteration that will now allow for eating and drinking through it without difficulty.

Independence Day — Fireworks will be launched; however, the public will not be there to see them in person. Live streaming will accommodate the viewers, and as a special treat, the pyrotechnics teams — instead of shooting them straight up into the air, will aim them at effigies of the Centers for Disease Control and the National Institutes of Health.

Thanksgiving — Due to the decline in brick and mortar store sales, the public will be notified on Jan. 3 that there are only 356 shopping days left until Christmas. Black Friday will be eliminated (It’s about time).

So there you have it — next year’s Coronavirus-inspired holiday changes. We will keep you informed, should any further modifications occur — which, in today’s ever-changing Coronavirus picture should be in about two weeks.

Les Linz is a resident of southern Indiana who writes the “Humor: More or Les” column. You can visit his author page at amazon.com/Les-Linz/e/B00PM03S5M?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_2&qid=1595372195&sr=1-2

Les Linz is a resident of southern Indiana who writes the “Humor: More or Les” column. Send comments to [email protected].