For almost two weeks now, I’ve walked around knowing what was to come. The only word I can think of is “dread.”

I dread when I get home from Switzerland. I dread that I have to get an MRI. I dread that I have to do gene testing. I dread that I have to have a mastectomy, maybe two. I dread that I have hard decisions to make. I dread talking about it. I dread what it’s doing to my husband and my children. I dread all the emotions I’m having. I dread the recovery time. So much to dread.

The other words I find myself and my family saying a lot are “it sucks.” But you know? Things could be so much worse for me, so I’m going to beat that dread word with “I’m blessed.”

I’m blessed that the one I love and trust most loves me more than I can love myself — Jesus. I’m blessed with a wonderful husband who loves me with a Jesus kind of love. I’m blessed with children who totally support me and also love me unconditionally. I’m blessed with grandchildren who I live for and love dearly and love me. I’m blessed with siblings, especially my sisters who love and care for me.

I’m blessed with supportive friends. I’m blessed with a pastor who knew I needed prayer on Sunday and came to me. I’m blessed with a good friend that is going through the same thing as me. I’m blessed that the cancer I have could have been invasive but it’s not. I’m blessed that I truly feel his peace. I’m blessed as I have one of the best doctors around. I’m blessed that they found it early. I’m blessed that I have had a beautiful life so far.

So now, I will start from the beginning.

I had a mammogram Feb. 14 after not having one since 2015. Big mistake. They called me back the next day and wanted a second mammogram. That day, she told me she needed to biopsy two places.

On March 4, I went in for two biopsies. It took almost an hour and a half. The worst part was having to lay still that long on my belly.

The next day, they called and said it was ductal carcinoma in situ. If you want to look it up, look up DCIS. That is cancer in the milk ducts. But it hadn’t left the milk ducts as far as they could see on the mammogram. The MRI will show more detail. That along with gene testing was March 25, three days after I got home from Switzerland.

The day after results, I had my 64th birthday. Not the happiest birthday in my life, but I still had a good day as I was with Rob and my children. It’s like they wouldn’t leave my sight.

My next appointment was March 21 with the surgeon. To say I was a nervous wreck is an understatement. The unknown is probably worse than everything else I’m going through. I was hoping for a lumpectomy, but because my area was so large, I don’t get that option.

I had a trip planned to Switzerland with my sister, Jane, to visit her daughter, Mandy, and family the very next day. It was a hard decision as I felt like the support I was getting from Rob I couldn’t be without. He was the only one I could be real with. I didn’t decide to go until after that doctor visit, so the girls came over and helped me pack.

I think going to Switzerland was the best decision for me. I’m not living in a fantasy world, but I don’t have to dwell on what’s to come. It’s never very far from my mind, but the Ward family has kept us busy. Each day closer to coming home, a piece of dread comes up, so I have to push it way down.

I chose to keep this private in the beginning. I don’t know why as I’m an open book. I think partly, I don’t want sympathy and gossip. I do want people to pray for me.

I woke up this morning and walked to a little coffee shop by myself, and I felt the nudging to journal. This will be more for me than anyone else. I’m going to be really real with details of my journey. Some of you may not want to read it.

For instance, I’ve been told that they may not be able to save my nipples, so this morning, I laid hands on my nipples and prayed over them.

One of the reasons I’m doing this is to give hope to anyone else that may go through this. I know there will be a lot of ups and downs and lots of emotions.

I would like you to pray for me for the peace that surpasses all understanding, strength for me to be strong for my husband and children, witness for Christ and to save the nipples.

Thanks for joining me on this journey.