Les Linz
By Les Linz
Many years ago, I worked for a company that sold and serviced extended warranties on name-brand appliances (it was referred to from time to time in previous Humor: More or Les columns).
Most of our clients or prospects were older people, and I remember one woman in particular.
I asked her a standard social media question required of us by the company to ask, something to the effect of did she have a Facebook account where we could further communicate with her.
She responded in hostility:
“I don’t use Facemaker or Bookface.”
Actually, she wasn’t too far off in her unwitting social media assessment.
The online platform of fame grew out of 2003’s “Facemash,” created by a group of four Harvard University students: Eduardo Saverin, Dustin Moskovitz, Chris Hughes and a then fairly obscure Mark Zuckerberg.
The latter’s project was suspended after two days because the site’s workings violated the school’s policies in that people had the ability to vote on how ugly or beautiful their fellow students were.
Imagine that — the future Facebook in jail. How poetic.
The “sentence” lasted about a year because in 2004, Zuckerberg started Facebook in its place, registering the URL of fame.
As I write this, I am sitting in Facebook “jail.”
Will I ever get out on parole? I have no idea. I’m not on a first-name basis with Warden Zuckerberg.
Is it a life sentence? Maybe. If I knew what reason(s) caused the incarceration, I would tell you.
And since I have nothing but (“jail”) time on my hands, I began thinking on what society would be like if Facebook had some competition (other than its sister platform, Instagram). Then it occurred to me — the “Book” sound-a-likes.
Acebook: A manual designed to help you cheat at poker, but don’t get caught or you’ll be fed to the “card shark.”
Casebook: A volume that chronicles those who have boldly gone on before to aggravate the Facebook gods.
Placebook: Delineates those who have been put in their place by Zuckerberg and crew.
Disgracebook: Describes those referred to above with exception: They have been released from Facebook prison out of the goodness of the platform giant’s collective heart (or were released on their own recognizance, only to be scrutinized midst probation) with the cloud of shame hanging heavily over their heads for life. Secondarily, a book of mugshots highlighting the worst repeat malefactors, now sitting on Facebook Row.
Spacebook: A place for certain politicians to “reside,” including those who see we run the risk of sending Guam into the Pacific Ocean by overpopulating it with military personnel (see also, Humor: More or Les: Safety Labels (aka Fixing Stupid).
Racebook: Two volumes. Volume I not only holds the five races we’re accustomed to in esteem but also the new races we regularly invent to suit our twisted purposes, whatever they may be at the time. Volume II describes all of the different contests we can become involved with, no matter what sex we say we are or what political party we ascribe to.
Gracebook: (A Facebook page actually exists to this end)-Encouraging readership to allow a risen savior to help them run their lives for the better.
Tracebook: A tome that encourages the fidgety among us to find peace in tracing over intricate designs, a cousin of the well-established coloring book.
Replacebook: Facebook’s next competitor, hopefully.
Embracebook: Considered pornography for obvious reasons unless used as a grammar school text, starting at around preschool.
Lacebook: Similar to the above but only authorized for those in first grade or higher.
Erasebook: A guide for rookie editors working at the social media giant, whose job description focuses on eliminating Facebook scofflaws from the platform because what they attempt to post violates the narrative of the day.
Retracebook: A guide that helps those presently in Facebook jail figure out what got them there in the first place.
Debasebook: A handbook (especially for politicians) that teaches how to utilize a platform to degrade the country they now live in, whether or not they are thought to have been native-born.
Defacebook: A journal touting the praises of those who regularly destroy public property by virtue of skilled artistry.
Inplacebook: A primer that instructs readership on how to keep the disagreeable down, those whose views differ from that of the prevailing political party, whoever they happen to be at the time.
Incasebook: A manual that educates on how to get along in the event of severe supply chain shortages. Chapters include “So You Can’t Get Gas: What Now?” “Breastmilk: Some Alternatives” and “The Sears Catalog and You.”
Effacebook: Indicative of a thinning labor market.
Abasebook: A work written by society’s castaways who once possessed the audacity to swim upstream in a downstream world that now hang their heads in shame and self-deprecation.
So which book (or books) do you fall in? Like it or hate it, one thing can be said of Facebook: It’s a once “novel” idea that continues to read all of us, like a “book.”
Les Linz is a resident of Seymour who writes the “Humor: More or Les” column. For information about Linz, visit his amazon.com author page. Send comments to [email protected].