Linz
By Les Linz
We owe much to Greece.
Known as Western civilization’s cradle, we feast on gyros, feta cheese, moussaka and more, and where would our GNP be every two to four years without the Olympics?
Exciting as these are, the greatest Grecian societal contribution is the one borrowed by free nations here and abroad.
As a government of, by and for the people, America resembles that remark, and although its value is clear, the sum of democracy’s parts may confuse the masses.
Not anymore.
Enter the common person’s guide to political terminology.
Democrat — One who demonstrates a product or service.
Republican — Biblically, a tax collector who does what they do over and over again. Secondarily, someone who reaps what they have sown.
Conservative — One who doesn’t use much water or electricity, though surprisingly not highly sought after by those who espouse green energy’s virtues.
Liberal — A Mad Libs fan.
Filibuster — A Pennsylvanian ice cream novelty.
Congress — The opposite of progress.
Judicial branch — A group dedicated to Beatles music that continues to sing the same lyrics over and over and over and over and (well, you get the picture).
GOP — How Johnny Paul expresses shock and disbelief when confronted by his grammar school friend.
Bills — What we have to pay more and more of because we don’t read them before they’re passed.
Rhetoric-Speech given by Clark Gable — like much political talk, it’s gone with the wind.
Resolution — The answers found in Rez Band’s song lyrics.
Referendum — The movement to make small amounts of cannabis legal, abolishing the current penalties in place for its use (also known as “joint” resolution) — see also “grassroots.”
Pollster — One who installs large cylinders for the phone company (or one employed by strip clubs).
Grassroots — Describes the people who want to see referenda pass.
Campaign — What a mechanic’s knuckles experience when he gets his hand too close to a moving one.
Ratified — You don’t really want to know, but it has something to do with the health department and your (former) favorite restaurant.
Majority whip — A cat-o’-nine-tails.
Minority whip — A riding crop.
Absentee voting — When a nonresident votes in a local election while buried in their home state cemetery.
Balanced budget — Another term for “fiction.”
Candidate — Where the boy tells the girl (or vice versa) everything that’s on his or her mind, holding nothing back.
Citizen — Beijing, China.
Constituency — The criminal justice system population in its entirety.
Gubernatorial election — Any election held in the state of Georgia. Also known as a contest between television mechanics Andy Kaufman and George Lindsey where George wins.
Independent — A necklace purchased at the Brickyard gift shop.
Nominee — Someone who fought in the Asian conflict of fame — thanks to those who served therein and all other conflicts past present and (hopefully not) future.
Nonpartisan — A boring stick in the mud.
Baiting — A fishing term you don’t want to tackle.
Bias — Two donkeys or a split decision.
Cloture — What you likely have if you’ve been put on Plavix or some reasonable facsimile thereof.
Committee of the whole — Well, let’s just say, it’s not too complimentary.
Concurrent resolution — A move to bring back death penalty usage where called for.
Corrections calendar — Where scheduled criminal executions may be seen.
Debate — What attracts fish, and sometimes stinky politicians.
Discharge resolution — Antibiotic or sulfa drug. Also known as an article of impeachment.
Electoral college — Where representatives may go to school the voters.
Incumbent — What anyone faces whose pay remains the same while the recession we’re not in continues.
Motion to recommit — An attempt by voters of a particular bent to have the candidate they didn’t vote for removed from office because they’re acting crazy and must have been institutionalized at some point and should be again. Note: This is not limited to commanders in chief but district attorneys who think criminals have more rights than their victims and senators who think we should pass legislation before understanding what’s in it.
Motion to table — What a maître d’ does.
Mudslinging — Pure fun, if you’re a child, and deemed necessary by adult politicians running for an office they can’t get into based on their own merit.
Party — Fun.
PAC — Only gender correct as masculine (as in PAC-MAN).
Public bill — Cosby, Clinton, Bennett or any such like figure.
So now that you know more about the democratic ins and outs than you did before, you should be able to make a better-informed decision as to the difference between the parties: Reliability — One is reliability. The other? Real lie ability.
Who resembles that remark? You make the call.
Vote.
Les Linz of Seymour writes the “Humor: More or Les” column. For information about Linz, visit his amazon.com author page. Send comments to [email protected].