The fast food awards

By Les Linz

Ever since the days of June Cleaver, our lives have been getting busier and busier.

We seldom sit down together as a family to eat our dinners at home anymore (kudos to “Blue Bloods”), and more often than not, the chef of the house makes reservations, rather than beef stroganoff.

Sure, we can go to the neighborhood sit-down, dine-in establishment, wait on the wait staff (recently depleted by a combination of COVID and incentives to remain unemployed), all the while being compelled to leave a well-earned tip or we can go to the local “fast” food haunt of choice and load up on so-called dollar menu items and combo meals (which often cost more than if you order the items separately, but more on taxes of the mathematically impaired at another time).

Fast food is certainly big business.

According to industry statistics, the genre racked up nearly $648 billion in revenue in 2019 alone, which is expected to more than double in the next seven years. It did actually go down about $78 billion in 2020, no doubt due to the COVID crisis.

Historically, this represents a tremendous increase from 1970 when said revenue was a mere $6 billion to about $200 billion some 45 years later, a 33-fold increase in that time frame.

At present, of the 200,000 fast food eateries in America, 7% are Mexican, 8% are chicken, 12% are sandwich shops, 15% are pizzerias and 30% are (you guessed it) hamburger joints.

With as many differences as there are between the 200,000, one thing they have in common are slogans.

Slogans help us remember what companies want us to remember about them: How they differ from their competitors. But what good is knowledge if we don’t apply it?

Enter the Fast Food Awards.

Yes, you’ve heard of the Emmys, Oscars and BAFTAs, but what are the FFAs?

They are the newest honors (invented by me) given to the (mostly living) of society that affect our country, for better or worse. The awards are so named based on the slogans employed by the fast food establishments that created them.

Here then are the 2021 recipients. Let’s check them out.

The Arbys Award: “We’ve got the meat.” Given out to the USDA. Second and third place go to Michelle Obama for “What are you eating today?” and Joe Biden with “I’m thinking different,” respectively.

The Auntie Anne’s Award: “Caring for other people.” For those in Congress that actually do what they said they would. Word has it that winners Nancy Mace and Lauren Boebert will share their awards with their fellow freshman colleagues that (like them) continue to accomplish the same task.

Baskin-Robbins Award: “31 flavors.” This solo award goes out to Dr. Anthony Fauci for his breathtaking COVID mind changes and flip-flops, one for every day of the month.

Boston Market Award: “Nobody does it like we do.” And the award goes to (drumroll please) … you, the voting public (Note: dead people and live ones who voted more than once were disqualified).

Burger King Award: “Home of the Whopper.” And the winner is? Press secretary Jen Psaki, Kamala Harris’ staff for “You’re the boss,” “The fire’s ready” for any member of the press corps deployed while Donald Trump was president, “Your way, right away” to Joe Biden (for his proper responses to Nancy Pelosi) and “Wake up with the king.” Recipient Secretary of State Antony Blinken.

Carl Jr.’s Award: “Without us, some guys would starve.” Goes out to the courageous men and women of our military and “Don’t bother me, I’m eating.” To Joe Biden for keeping reporters at bay when he’s out and about and the journalists are trying to get a question in past Jen or Nancy.

Chik-fil-A Award: “We didn’t invent the chicken.” Goes to the Democratic national party.

Church’s Famous Chicken Award: “You bring it home.” For all of the Congress people who do their part for pork barrel spending. “A whole lot of chicken genius” to Vladimir Putin for his sarcasm mastery.

Culver’s Award: “More choices, more smiles.” And the winner is Planned Parenthood, also the simultaneous winner of three Pinocchio awards, for 1) “It’s just a blob of tissue” 2) “It doesn’t feel any pain” and 3) “It (the abortion) won’t affect your life.”

Dairy Queen Award: “Do something different.” To John Q. Public for his impassioned plea to the District of Columbia.

Del Taco Award: “Feed the beast.” Ireland’s Paddy Dunning, Germany’s Dan Pearlman and the commercial real estate company Enterprise Ireland that have collaborated to create the 10-story high “Giant.”

Domino’s Pizza Award: “You got 30 minutes.” Given to Nancy Pelosi for limiting filibuster or time for individual congress persons to speak.

Dunkin’ Donuts Award: “Loosen up a little.” Given to Chuck Schumer in hopes that he lives up to the award.

El Pollo Loco Award: “Without the flame, it ain’t the same.” Given to Pfizer Inc. for its development of Preparation H.

Jack in the Box Award: “Love bacon? Marry it.” Unashamedly given to every politician who ever had their part in pork barrel spending.

Jason’s Deli Award: “If we wouldn’t serve it to our families, we’re not going to serve it to yours.” All Congress persons should get one as an incentive for them to legislate with the Golden Rule in mind (insider trading notwithstanding).

Jersey Mike’s USA Award: “Giving … making a difference in someone’s life.” Posthumously given in memory of Mother (and Saint) Teresa of Calcutta.

Jimmy John’s Award: “Subs so fast you’ll freak.” Awarded to the U.S. Navy.

KFC Award: “There’s fast food, then there’s KFC.” Honorable mention for worst slogan choice — it must be slow food but undoubtedly not slower than any of the rest. Secondary slogan/award: “We do chicken right.” Awarded to Iran and other enemies of our country for the way they’ve been able to push the United States around.

Marco’s Pizza Award: “Here for good.” Another awarded as a to-be-fulfilled incentive for members of Congress. (Note: This means in office/D.C. for the public good, not here for ad nauseam tenure).

McDonald’s Award: “What you want is what you get.” Awarded to the mainstream media. “Have it your way” goes to former President Donald Trump. “We love to see you smile” presented to the American Dental Association second runner-up for the same award, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit. “You deserve a break today” awarded to the American public in recognition of their patience with Congress and anything (or anyone) COVID-related.

Moe’s Award: “Tailgate wherever you are.” Awarded to Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers (or whomever he’s with by the time this column goes to print).

Panda Express Award: “Tso good.” Awarded to Xi Jinping for what he says about President Biden. “Chinese for yummy.” Also awarded to Xi Jinping for what he says about Hunter.

Sonic Drive-In Award: “It’s not just good … it’s Sonic good.” Awarded to the Cuban government for their alleged role in the Cuban American Embassy audio attack.

Taco Bell Award: “Run for the border.” Awarded to Kamala Harris (though in her case, running from it might be more appropriate; there’s just no award for that). “Why pay more!?” awarded to any Congress person that stands up to ludicrous spending (and anyone who does that on a regular basis will need some Dr. Scholl’s products for their shoes and feet).

Tim Horton’s Award: “Always fresh.” Presented just recently to actor Bill Cosby.

Wendy’s Award: “Where’s the beef?” Awarded to any reporter who asks Joe Biden a real question that isn’t a softball with minimum 16-inch circumference. Given in memory of Clara Peller (Note: Fox News’ Peter Doocy was the first to receive the award when he asked hardball questions of White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki early on in the Biden administration).

And to conclude, the White Castle Award: “What you crave.” This is doled out to every newly “woken” individual worldwide that they might see the “error of their ways.”

Les Linz of Seymour writes the “Humor: More or Les” column. For information about Linz, visit his author page. Send comments to [email protected].